Murdoch - You're hired

The board of News Corporation today put further pressure on James Murdoch regarding his position in the company, after a number of revelations from Tuesday’s Culture Media and Sport select committee hearing.

“Given what we learned at the hearing, I think it’s absolutely imperative that James Murdoch is given a job immediately,” said Shay K Shareprice, a spokesperson for the company.

“This poor man performed admirably under intense pressure despite having apparently nothing to do with the company at all. His complete lack of knowledge about the executive machinations of News International make him the perfect candidate to come in and clean up this mess.”

Murdoch himself is thought to be keen on a position within the company, and sees himself as a worthy successor to his father, the legendary actor Sir Rupert Gielgud-Murdoch

After an exhausting performance as a befuddled old pensioner in London’s West End this week, Murdoch Snr is rumoured to be spending time in an old people’s home, on the advice of Max Clifford.

Whether those (ex) News International tykes get a proper seeing to is up for grabs, however, seeing as  Brooks has a Facebook buddy in the committee’s chairman…

Earlier today Brooks sent an email to staff down at News International assuring them of her innocence.

Plenty of media commentators more astute than Media Bastard will chew this topic over, so we’ll leave the analysis to Mr Greenslade and friends. But I draw your attention to the following, much repeated, quote from Brooks’ email:

I hope that you all realise it is inconceivable that I knew or worse, sanctioned these appalling allegations.

Inconceivable? MB couldn’t help noticing some similarities between Mrs Brooks’ forthright claim and the protestations of a certain character from 1987 fairy tale classic The Princess Bride.

To paraphrase Inigo Montoya: “Mrs Brooks, you keep using that word… I don’t think it means what you think it means.” See below:

Buscombe: Egg on her face

You know when public figures have an absolute nightmare during an interview and end up looking like a 16-year-old schoolboy caught masturbating by his granny?

That hideous, ball-clenching shame on their faces as they realise what a mess they’ve made? (I’ll stop that metaphor now).

It’s awful, isn’t it? You feel a mixture of schadenfreude-fuelled delight and pity, with a sprinkling of vicarious squirm.

Well, Peta Buscombe, Chair of the PCC, knows that feeling well. I give you exhibit A, from today’s Daily Politics:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-14031661

Johann: Can't see the words for the trees

Media Bastard wasn’t surprised to learn of Johann Hari’s little run-in over accusations of plagiarism. Indeed one of the contributors to this blog claims to have been complicit in the very copying and pasting of which Mr Hari is accused.

MB’s source, a bitter, failed journalist now eking out their existence on the fringes of Fleet Street, says that Hari’s rapacious appetite for quotable material became apparent to him while on a work experience placement.

Apparently, the poor hack-wannabe was assigned to Mr Hari’s personal chores list for the day, chief of which was the printing out of an interminable list of sources that he required for his next column.

Having telephoned the great man to check that the epic list was correct, our young whippersnapper set about the job in earnest. It was only when he spotted half the newsroom crowded around the Indy’s one working printer that the lad sensed something was amiss.

The intern scurried over to apologise, red-facedly explaining that he hadn’t realised his printing would take so long – at this stage running past 15 minutes.

“What the hell are you doing printing out so much stuff!” cried a man who may or may not have been Roger Alton.

“I’m so sorry, Johann Hari asked me to do it” whimpered the terrified boy.

Cue much gnashing of teeth and general muttering from the assembled crowd, apparently no strangers to the scenario. One woman in particular, who shall remain nameless, is alleged to have turned the air blue with ever more inventive permutations of the words “fuck” and “Johann”.

But the best was yet to come. Apparently Mr Hari, not content with destroying a veritable rainforest’s worth in paper, required still further sacrifice at the altar of the environment.

On informing his new master that his bidding was complete, the intern was summarily told that the pages were to be shipped – by car and not bicycle – to Hari’s East London home. The distance of said return journey? No more than an hour by tube, with a few of Hari’s beloved trees presumably saved in the process.

MB’s source doesn’t remember exactly what the attendant at the courier desk said, but he’s certain that it’s a quote that even Johann wouldn’t dare repeat.

Would you like me to dance for you, sir?

So it turns out that Rupert Murdoch’s favourite Prime Minister * took a trip down to Wapping yesterday to have a chinwag with his old pals at The Times.

Billed as a “senior cabinet minister” – DC has never liked the limelight, much like Mr Murdoch in light of his preference to enter Downing Street by the back door – Mr Cameron appeared and gave a keynote speech.

He is then said to have disappeared, wraith-like, into the shadows of the East London night. A resurgence of unsolved prostitute murders in the area, bearing the hallmarks of well-publicised cases dating back to 1888, is not thought to be connected. Unlike impending takeover deals that require governmental approval.

Media Bastard readers will be delighted to hear, however, that in the interests of political balance – and News International titles are if nothing else paragons of political equilibrium – Ed Miliband was asked to speak the following day in an “early-morning speech” to News International staff.

The security detail down at NI would like to pass on their heartfelt thanks to Mr Miliband for such an enlightening and interesting end to their night shift.

*See Prime Ministers passim for all previous favourite Prime Ministers